On Shaving

The tools of a transman shave

My boss and most of my coworkers are women, but there's a guy I work with, and he's a very tall man older than me, with a deep voice. He's been in the military, and he knows how to sound authoritative, and what I'm getting at here is that he is the epitome of a lot of very masculine qualities. More than that, he's a good man. He only works part time because he's mostly been a stay at home dad, to a kid that I gather was unexpected and late in life, and his wife works full time. I've always been a little intimidated by him, because some part of my brain tells me I will never be able to match him for masculine qualities, and of all the people at work he was the only one that I was a little worried about explaining the transgender thing to.
The thing is, that discussion never happened. We were working schedules where we didn't see each other for a while, and I told the boss and other people, and somewhere along the way the memo got to him. The next thing I knew, he was giving me life tips on how to be a proper man.
For my Christmas gift, he gave me a zippo lighter, and instructed me on how to take it apart, replace the flint, what brand lighter fluid to use, all the basics. He said no man should be without a lighter, which is very boy scout of him, and I've carried it ever since. Possibly he would have gotten me a pocketknife but he already knew I've carried a swiss army knife for decades. He also apologized that he didn't get the chance but had meant to get it engraved with my name and the year I became a man, in honor of all I went through to become one. Because I know his expectations of masculinity, I did not tear up in front of him, but those words mean a hell of a lot to hear.

I have gone through a lot, to become a man in the eyes of the world. A lot of paperwork, a lot of doctors, a lot of sticking a needle into my own leg once a week, and more of all the above still ahead.
The thing that got me to thinking about shaving was he and I were talking about it the other day, and he said that it loses it's charm real fast. He said that it's all new to me and I'll be a lot less enamored of shaving after I've had to do it every day for a few decades.
Today, as I was shaving, I thought about that and wondered whether or not that's true for me. Shaving is such a rite of passage, and one that I yearned for so deeply for so long. I remember watching my dad shave, when I was younger, and marveling over the idea that it was something he did routinely even though he had a beard. I was sorry, in a way I didn't understand then, that it was something that I was told I would never do. My father never stood with me and taught me how to shave myself, and neither did my father in law. I learned how to shave from some youtube videos, a vague and distant memory of shaving my legs, and the nervous thought of 'how hard could it be?' and I've done okay. Not great, but okay, with only a couple of tiny nicks when the razor had been used a few too many times. I have to shave my neck beard about every three days now, which tells me I'm still not where a cisgender man of my age would be, and a far cry from my own father, who resembles Santa Claus. My beard, such as it is, has been growing for close to a year now. I got a set of clippers to keep it trimmed close, but I stopped shaving it off over my honeymoon and haven't since, so my beard is the same age as my marriage. Married men, in the Celtic tradition, do grow beards. At this point I'm afraid to take it off, since I get 'Sir' everywhere I go with it. I'm attached to the idea of growing my own jawline, too, since naturally I don't really have one.
I like my beard, but I also still very much like the act of shaving, and that it's only my neck is fine. There's the scents; the soap and the aftershave, and my wife got me a silver shaving set that makes it feel properly ceremonial. The truth is that I use cheap Bic disposable safety razors, but the one that came with the set looked more photogenic and it's the same design.
There's also the face that looks back in the mirror at me, with a full scruff around the jaw (I wish the hair on my chin would fill in). It's a man's face, and it's finally me.