Today the year is starting off on a slightly sour note, although it's a distinct improvement over the year we spent new years day at a memorial service. We are going to do that thing dreaded by so many people on the lgbtqia spectrum: visiting relatives.
A year and a half ago, I got married, and unexpectedly two of my wife's aunt & uncle sets declined to attend, one pair with apparently a very public proclamation that they objected on moral grounds. The other set said the same, but did so more quietly and only when questioned, or at least this is the impression I've gotten from the fallout. None of this was said directly to our faces, but neither was it said with any warning not to let it get back to us, which it inevitably did. These people are my father-in-law's sister and brother, and he was actually deeply hurt about it even more so than we were. On the other hand it has possibly brought about more awareness for him of the struggles we face.
My father-in-law is one of eight, and all the rest of his siblings were supportive in one way or another (some couldn't come due to age-related health issues but sent well wishes). Because nothing was said directly to us, we said nothing back, just had our wedding with people who wanted to be there, and it was awesome!
But here's the thing; Our 'lifestyle choice' was in no way a surprise to any of these people, and they were very welcoming up to this point, and in fact continue to be welcoming. By the time we were announcing our marriage, we'd been together for at least sixteen years. I went to family reunions and holiday gatherings with my wife almost every time, and the times that work meant I couldn't, they all asked where I was. Everyone in the family knew we were a couple, and a few of them had even asked about if we were going to get married, after it was finally legalized here. My being trans is new, but that's very unlikely the wrinkle, because that wasn't even an obvious part of the announcement. For a decade and a half we were the lesbian couple in the family and for the most part people didn't address it directly, but accepted us. We thought we were good, because there were zero objections about our relationship until we made it legal.
It's a weird hill to stand on, and it's bugging my wife more than me, because it's her family. But what makes it stranger still is now that we are married, the vocally protesting aunt is still inviting us to family gatherings. Both of us. We've mostly made ourselves scarce, in the past year or so, but showed up for a funeral and an anniversary celebration for an aunt and uncle set that happily came to our wedding.
This time, she has apparently noticed we're avoiding her and harped on making sure that we know we're invited. She wanted to be very sure that we knew, and that we'd be missed if we don't come. So we're going, but we haven't heard a word of apology, and I'm not sure if she expects us to pretend we're not married because that's not happening.
We're not going to press the issue, of course, but these people are somewhat religious and our best guess is this is a 'Love the sinner, Hate the sin' approach. That doesn't make a lot of sense to me either, though. The so-called sin is in what we do, and who am I if I am not defined by my actions and the choices I make? I am not a person who is separate from loving Bridgie, or from being trans, those things are a part of who I am. If I loved somebody else instead, that wouldn't be wrong either, but I would be a very different me than the me that I am. I would be a different me, if I wasn't trans- and I don't mean the me that I was before I knew, because I was still trans then and just lived in confusion over how I was so terrible at being a woman. The me that I am today is stronger and happier for standing beside my loving wife, and having a face in the mirror that I recognize as my own. There is no moral scalpel to separate me religiously from these things, because I would bleed out and wither. We are who we are, and love is a thing that needs to be whole and complete.
I'm not planning to say all of this at the party; we will go, and eat some snacks, and make small talk about our jobs and weather, over the noise of the kids. And then we will come home, where we are happy to be ourselves.
