Thanks for the back hair, Dad.

 My father's middle name is Harry.

Wait, back up, that joke works way better verbally, and usually there's a lead-up about body hair, and 'Harry' and 'hairy' sound the same... I'll just start over.

My father looks like Santa Claus. White hair, full beard, glasses, slightly stocky build- maybe a little skinny for Santa but it's enough that kids give him long looks around the holidays. Growing up, I never, ever saw my father shirtless, unless I caught him changing clothes or something. He wore t-shirts under his button-downs. I guess I just thought he was modest, which fits with his quiet, introverted personality.

Then one day my mother told me he's embarrassed to be seen shirtless, because he's so hairy. I can remember a few glimpses of my dad shirtless over the years. He's covered in curly, thick, grey-white hair. He's fuzzy with it.

If he were a gay man, he'd be a bear. This is not a criticism!

We do not get to pick and choose the genetics we inherit, and we are a physical equation heavily based on what we get from our parents. Transmen are always warned, when starting testosterone, that we can't pick and choose which masculine traits we'll inherit. Male pattern baldness is the big one a lot of guys look out for. My mother's father was starting to thin on top, but still had most of his hair when he passed in his eighties. My dad's hirsutism extends to his head, so I've never been especially worried about my genetics on that front. I have been losing some hair, but I recently realized my mild hair loss has been the squaring up of my hairline, a fascinating but common change after a while on T, and one that helps make me look more like a man.

Everywhere else, the hair is growing. They talk about a 'treasure trail', and I don't have that, because instead my hair is thicker from chest all down my stomach, a uniform downy carpet. It's not curly, like my dad's, but there's a hell of a lot more than there was a year ago. Hair is thicker on my arms, and creeping up the backs of my hands. My nose hairs- which were perfectly serviceable before, are not so much thicker as longer and I can't see the evolutionary point in that.

And then there's my back. Which is not hairy. Or rather, it's very selectively hairy. For weeks, I kept having a specific spot on my back that itched. Then one night my wife pointed out, as we were getting ready for bed, a single dark long back hair that conveniently sprouted where the band of my bra rubs against it daily. It took about six months before two more showed up, also conveniently in spots where they're irritated all day. And that's still where I'm at, a few months later. Fur all down the front of my body, and three random back hairs.

My beard is filling in well though, it's curly like my dad's but not grey yet, even though a fair amount of the hair on my head is. I don't know that I will ever look like my father- the genetics from my mother's side may help balance things out and her dad was pretty sparse on body hair, but if I do end up being a bear, I'm okay with that.

I think my dad should be okay with it, too. It's not a bad look! Besides, his middle name really is Harry. That's a dad joke for you, anyway. I've inherited that, too.

My dad, or possibly Santa

New year, same me, and that's okay!

I'm attempting to catch this blog up, little by little. The vlog transcripts take time, and my time is limited. Anyways, I had a decent Christmas and New Years Eve spent at home in pajamas with my wife and talking to friends on the internet. I couldn't help but notice these were the same people I spent New Years Eve with 20 years ago, except I wasn't sitting beside/married to one of them then, and we were all worried about our computers blowing up at midnight because of Y2K.

Today the year is starting off on a slightly sour note, although it's a distinct improvement over the year we spent new years day at a memorial service. We are going to do that thing dreaded by so many people on the lgbtqia spectrum: visiting relatives.
A year and a half ago, I got married, and unexpectedly two of my wife's aunt & uncle sets declined to attend, one pair with apparently a very public proclamation that they objected on moral grounds. The other set said the same, but did so more quietly and only when questioned, or at least this is the impression I've gotten from the fallout. None of this was said directly to our faces, but neither was it said with any warning not to let it get back to us, which it inevitably did. These people are my father-in-law's sister and brother, and he was actually deeply hurt about it even more so than we were. On the other hand it has possibly brought about more awareness for him of the struggles we face.
My father-in-law is one of eight, and all the rest of his siblings were supportive in one way or another (some couldn't come due to age-related health issues but sent well wishes). Because nothing was said directly to us, we said nothing back, just had our wedding with people who wanted to be there, and it was awesome!

But here's the thing; Our 'lifestyle choice' was in no way a surprise to any of these people, and they were very welcoming up to this point, and in fact continue to be welcoming. By the time we were announcing our marriage, we'd been together for at least sixteen years. I went to family reunions and holiday gatherings with my wife almost every time, and the times that work meant I couldn't, they all asked where I was. Everyone in the family knew we were a couple, and a few of them had even asked about if we were going to get married, after it was finally legalized here. My being trans is new, but that's very unlikely the wrinkle, because that wasn't even an obvious part of the announcement. For a decade and a half we were the lesbian couple in the family and for the most part people didn't address it directly, but accepted us. We thought we were good, because there were zero objections about our relationship until we made it legal.

It's a weird hill to stand on, and it's bugging my wife more than me, because it's her family. But what makes it stranger still is now that we are married, the vocally protesting aunt is still inviting us to family gatherings. Both of us. We've mostly made ourselves scarce, in the past year or so, but showed up for a funeral and an anniversary celebration for an aunt and uncle set that happily came to our wedding.
This time, she has apparently noticed we're avoiding her and harped on making sure that we know we're invited. She wanted to be very sure that we knew, and that we'd be missed if we don't come. So we're going, but we haven't heard a word of apology, and I'm not sure if she expects us to pretend we're not married because that's not happening.

We're not going to press the issue, of course, but these people are somewhat religious and our best guess is this is a 'Love the sinner, Hate the sin' approach. That doesn't make a lot of sense to me either, though. The so-called sin is in what we do, and who am I if I am not defined by my actions and the choices I make? I am not a person who is separate from loving Bridgie, or from being trans, those things are a part of who I am. If I loved somebody else instead, that wouldn't be wrong either, but I would be a very different me than the me that I am. I would be a different me, if I wasn't trans- and I don't mean the me that I was before I knew, because I was still trans then and just lived in confusion over how I was so terrible at being a woman. The me that I am today is stronger and happier for standing beside my loving wife, and having a face in the mirror that I recognize as my own. There is no moral scalpel to separate me religiously from these things, because I would bleed out and wither. We are who we are, and love is a thing that needs to be whole and complete.

I'm not planning to say all of this at the party; we will go, and eat some snacks, and make small talk about our jobs and weather, over the noise of the kids. And then we will come home, where we are happy to be ourselves.

His father's face in the mirror

Talking to my mother about my transition still feels like baby steps. It can be frustrating, this far on, because I pass for a man in my daily life with ease. I came out to my parents three or four years ago, before I started testosterone and when the realization was still pretty fresh even for me. Because I had talked it over with my then-girlfriend/now-wife and started to come out to a few select friends, my mother felt that I came out to them absolute last (not true at all) and was apparently hurt by that idea. I think I may have discussed it with my boss, before them, partly because I was unsure how my transitioning would affect my job (not at all, as it turns out, but we live in an at-will employment state so it could have gone another way). Maybe I could have come out to my parents sooner, but it felt like something that needed to be done in person and I was counting down the months to them visiting in person, at the time. Also it was hard, harder than any other interaction I have ever had regarding my transition.

I feel like my parents don't understand that sometimes. I am cautious approaching them with things not because I don't care about their opinion, but because their opinion holds more weight than that of other people. This is true even now that I'm an adult who's lived across the country from them for close to two decades. My wife's opinion holds even more weight, but I am also more sure of it in advance. What my parents will think of something is as much a mystery to me as what I think seems to be to them. Obviously there's a communication problem there, and I'm not sure how to solve it. I talk about my mother's comments on things more often than my father's because most of the time my dad just doesn't say anything at all. I'm not sure if he feels that her words carry for them both, or if he has no opinion at all, or just doesn't want or know how to communicate it.

In some ways, maybe I'm more like my father. I'm cautious extending my opinions on things, laid back and patient, sometimes to the point where it's a flaw more than a blessing. I let life and people run over me sometimes, because I don't want to be confrontational.

Anyway, I'm not sure where I'm going with all this, but on Halloween night my mother and I were chatting over text, and she mentioned that the way my hair is now makes me look a lot like my father. My father now looks a little like Santa Claus, but she sent me a photo I'd seen before of the two of them when they were younger. It's a picture I'd seen before, but not in a long time and I'd never realized such a strong comparison.

I hear my father's voice all the time, now. I think I had a lot of his vocal habits before, but now that my voice itself sounds more like his, half the time when I talk I'm startled by just how much I sound like him. I don't know what he'd think of that. Maybe I never will. I don't know how I feel about possibly looking like Santa someday, either.

Birthday thoughts

I'm turning forty next week. I've heard (and it's true) that a lot of the markers for being a successful adult have been culturally erased, or at least put out of reach for the majority. On the other hand, as this birthday closes in I stopped to assess. I'm happily married, with a stable relationship that has covered nearly half my life. I have a steady job that could probably be classified as a career- and I'm salaried now, at that. Two years ago, my big birthday gift was starting testosterone, and I cannot overstate the change this has made in my life. For the first time in my entire life, the face in the mirror is mine. (This has even nearly abolished my mirror phobia.) I shave. The guy I see in the mirror now looks good even rumpled and unshaven, and for all the little idiosyncrasies of hair in unexpected places, having a beard is awesome!

At this moment, Maxie would like to remind me I also have a very loving cat.

I haven't been as productive creatively as I'd like, but what else is new. On the other hand the stuff I've been creating the past couple of years is exciting and I've been consistently satisfied with the results. Prop making scratches an itch I didn't know I had. My drawing, too, has reached a level where what I turn out is pretty cool, even if it's mostly sketches these days.

My car is possibly in its final days, and the house we're in has structural problems that could go bad in the future, and the government is a ship of fools being sunk by a schoolyard bully at the helm. And yet I am finally who I'm supposed to be and where I'm supposed to be. My wife has a good job, and huge personal success as a runner. I don't think I could be this content if she wasn't, too. There are a lot of problems in the world, but we're as successful as we can be.

Mother Jones Podcast June 26, 2018
A little over a week ago, I did an interview with a reporter from Mother Jones for a podcast. It was a pretty non-controversial bit about LGBTQIA representation in the media, and the part that ended up in the podcast was only a fraction of the interview, because that's just how that stuff works. I was just one of a group of people interviewed, but I was happy to add my voice to help raise a little awareness of how we fit into the world in a normal way.

Since then, a few people have made comments to the effect of being proud of me for it, like it's brave of me. Thanks for that, but it isn't brave for me, because I am risking nothing. As I've said before, I'm aware I'm in an enviable position of safety. I can speak about LGBTQIA stuff because I can do so without much risk, and I know a lot of others cannot.

Sometimes I feel a little torn because I can say we're normal and want to just live quietly; because a big objection I've heard is some people don't want LGBTQIA stuff 'shoved down their throats', and here I am talking about it. A lot. But the thing is that all of us, if we're lesbian, bi, pan, gay, trans, intersex, ace, aro, black, muslim, hispanic, whatever, we have to talk about it because we are not allowed to just live our lives. We have to have a voice because everywhere we turn, other people are talking about us. It's not fun, to be just going along doing your thing, surrounded by strangers using you as a political talking point. It's not something you can ignore. If other people are saying all kinds of things about you, it's hard not to want to speak up to at least make sure they get their facts about you right.

May 8, 2018 Vlog (Transcript to come)

April 3,2018 Vlog Transcript

Original video here

So, I suck at making these on a regular basis, but that's nothing new. I have no real excuse except... life. Because it's been- I didn't mean to let two months go by since the last video, but I did. I can't say that there's been any drastic physical changes that I've noticed since then, but it's definitely been like a steady progression in... in the right direction. (Admiring own facial hair in the camera) So there's that.
I'm not sure if my voice has gotten deeper; it seems to be settling a little bit more now but still, still getting the bottom of my range. That's starting to come in, but my speaking voice, I think, has kind of settled where, probably where it's going to be at. Which- I'm fine with that. It's not a high pitched voice. (Notices jawline hair is crooked in the camera view) Annnnd I did a sucky job shaving. Yeeeeah, I'm still getting the hang of that, too.
Yeah.
So.
Not... a lot of other physical changes that I've noticed apart from this coming in thicker, (Gestures to chin and jaw) but I've also been really slacking on working out so that doesn't help. (Looks down) Sorry, there's a distracting cat. She doesn't think the door should be closed. At all. Ever. (Picks up unresisting lump of tortoiseshell cat) You gotta make a cameo if you're gonna interrupt things. You're on video. You're Youtube famous. She's purring.
One thing that has happened that's... that's kept me and my wife both distracted is a friend of ours that was out of state- my best friend, really, moved in with us. Um, so that's been absorbing; both prepping the house for them and, you know, it -it feels like a sleepover. (Laughs) Haven't gotten over that yet, 'cuz it feels like 'oh my gosh, they're visiting, we've got to like, do all the fun stuff and, and you know, stay up late and party because the novelty hasn't quite worn off yet. Um, but, definitely a good living arrangement, I'm happy with it. And I'm saying they and them, I should be using xe and xer, um, but I have trouble adapting to gender pronouns too. I'm getting used to it.
It's a little bit of a newer thing to have those gender pronouns for our friend, but it got me thinking; I hear a lot about trans people and LGBTQ people in general have a lot of LGBTQ friends. And it makes sense because there is a community, and it's an activist community, and a supportive community, and people get involved in that and make friends within that framework. I hear a lot about that, okay that's a thing, but it got me thinking, we have a lot of friends, my wife and I have had for a very long time, that did not *know* that they were in the LGBTQ spectrum when we met them. Sooo that's coming at it from a slightly different approach. Um... (Petting cat in lap) You purr so loud everybody's going to hear you on the video. (Laughs)
So, yeah, we've got the best friend of ours is non-binary, did not know that when I met xer, so, it fits. It definitely fits. A lot of these revelations that have come from friends is similar to how, I think, friends of ours reacted when I cam out as trans. It's like 'oh yeah, yeah that makes a lot of sense.' rather than any shock or surprise. Another friend of ours realized after we've known her for a while that she is bisexual or pansexual and is now entering into a poly relationship, so... (shrugs)
I've got another looser friend that we thought was another lesbian couple and it turns out one of them realized that, that he was trans as well, I think probably about the same time that I did. But we came to those conclusions very separately and then we're like 'wait, are you..? Oh, you- oh, okay!' so there's, there's a lot of people in our circle that it's come about after my wife and I got to know them, and knew them for years, and I don't know what that phenomenon is and if that's, you know, people seeking out like-minded individuals even though they didn't *know* to start with that they were like-minded individuals- or *how* like-minded they were. Or is it also, you know, some exposure giving people the arena to realize? Because that's what happened to me. I'm obviously a late bloomer, but what happened is I grew up in a very liberal area; Lesbian and gay was all over, PFLAG was all over the campus, but I don't remember anybody talking about transgender people. I don't think I'd even heard that term until I was at least in my twenties, and it was... joining a community where I saw people talking about it and how it felt, and how it works, that made me realize that that's me. So possibly having friends who go through the experience of 'Oh, I, you know I fit with this group, I fit with this thing that is not necessarily the cultural norm,' the friends see that and go 'wait a minute, that makes sense to me too.'
Um, I don't know if that's the case but it would make a lot of sense, so just, just a thought. A thought without an answer. (Cradles cat) 
Um, anyways, we've got xer settling in with us. I'm hoping sooner or later I will get xer and my wife in on videos, but I'm also a little bit camera nervous every time so I do typically tend to do these when I'm kind of by myself just so that housemates aren't hearing me talking to myself in another room. It makes you a little self-conscious. Maybe one of these I'll get over that -One of these *days* I'll get over that. Maybe not.
(To cat, who is squirming) Excuse you. Froggy is not camera shy, clearly. (Rubs cat's head and shoves her gently off lap.)
So I've got a short song to sing today- (Wipes face & nose) Cat hair. I can't imagine where *that* came from. My whole life is full of pet hair. That's what I get for working at a vet. Anyways. I had another song in mind, but... it's a little more melancholy and it would sound really better with guitar. I have, you know, my list of -I don't want to say resolutions, but things that I'd like to do this year, and one of these is to get back into trying to learn the guitar. I *have* one. I need to restring it again because I thought I could play it left-handed and *apparently* I can't. I need to play guitar right-handed, which is... weird because I'm a left-handed person, very dominantly so. But if I can kick myself into working and practicing on the guitar then maybe eventually I can use that on these videos. I would like to wait until I'm not terrible at it. For your sake as much as for mine. But in the meantime you get another Fraggle Rock song because they're easy to learn and... goddamn the music from that show was awesome, and nostalgia. (Thumbs up) So, here with my settling voice. Gradually.

(Acapella Singing)

Every day the world begins again

Sunny skies or rain

Come and follow me

Every sunrise shows me more and more

So much to explore

Come and follow me

Every morning every day

Every evening calling me away

While the sun goes 'round

I'll still be found

Following the sound

Something's calling me

When the world goes drifting back to bed

Memories in my head

Wonders follow me

Every morning every day

Every evening calling me away

Every morning every day

Every evening calling me away 

I... think that's all I've got to say today? Oh! I did start a blog, which I'll link in the description, so that I can maybe get some of these thoughts and feelings about being trans written. Sometimes that's a lot easier than sitting down and filming, that's a little bit of a longer commitment. Sorry it's a shorter video today, but... (helpless hand gesture). I'll try! No promises. 

'Til next time.