April 3,2018 Vlog Transcript

Original video here

So, I suck at making these on a regular basis, but that's nothing new. I have no real excuse except... life. Because it's been- I didn't mean to let two months go by since the last video, but I did. I can't say that there's been any drastic physical changes that I've noticed since then, but it's definitely been like a steady progression in... in the right direction. (Admiring own facial hair in the camera) So there's that.
I'm not sure if my voice has gotten deeper; it seems to be settling a little bit more now but still, still getting the bottom of my range. That's starting to come in, but my speaking voice, I think, has kind of settled where, probably where it's going to be at. Which- I'm fine with that. It's not a high pitched voice. (Notices jawline hair is crooked in the camera view) Annnnd I did a sucky job shaving. Yeeeeah, I'm still getting the hang of that, too.
Yeah.
So.
Not... a lot of other physical changes that I've noticed apart from this coming in thicker, (Gestures to chin and jaw) but I've also been really slacking on working out so that doesn't help. (Looks down) Sorry, there's a distracting cat. She doesn't think the door should be closed. At all. Ever. (Picks up unresisting lump of tortoiseshell cat) You gotta make a cameo if you're gonna interrupt things. You're on video. You're Youtube famous. She's purring.
One thing that has happened that's... that's kept me and my wife both distracted is a friend of ours that was out of state- my best friend, really, moved in with us. Um, so that's been absorbing; both prepping the house for them and, you know, it -it feels like a sleepover. (Laughs) Haven't gotten over that yet, 'cuz it feels like 'oh my gosh, they're visiting, we've got to like, do all the fun stuff and, and you know, stay up late and party because the novelty hasn't quite worn off yet. Um, but, definitely a good living arrangement, I'm happy with it. And I'm saying they and them, I should be using xe and xer, um, but I have trouble adapting to gender pronouns too. I'm getting used to it.
It's a little bit of a newer thing to have those gender pronouns for our friend, but it got me thinking; I hear a lot about trans people and LGBTQ people in general have a lot of LGBTQ friends. And it makes sense because there is a community, and it's an activist community, and a supportive community, and people get involved in that and make friends within that framework. I hear a lot about that, okay that's a thing, but it got me thinking, we have a lot of friends, my wife and I have had for a very long time, that did not *know* that they were in the LGBTQ spectrum when we met them. Sooo that's coming at it from a slightly different approach. Um... (Petting cat in lap) You purr so loud everybody's going to hear you on the video. (Laughs)
So, yeah, we've got the best friend of ours is non-binary, did not know that when I met xer, so, it fits. It definitely fits. A lot of these revelations that have come from friends is similar to how, I think, friends of ours reacted when I cam out as trans. It's like 'oh yeah, yeah that makes a lot of sense.' rather than any shock or surprise. Another friend of ours realized after we've known her for a while that she is bisexual or pansexual and is now entering into a poly relationship, so... (shrugs)
I've got another looser friend that we thought was another lesbian couple and it turns out one of them realized that, that he was trans as well, I think probably about the same time that I did. But we came to those conclusions very separately and then we're like 'wait, are you..? Oh, you- oh, okay!' so there's, there's a lot of people in our circle that it's come about after my wife and I got to know them, and knew them for years, and I don't know what that phenomenon is and if that's, you know, people seeking out like-minded individuals even though they didn't *know* to start with that they were like-minded individuals- or *how* like-minded they were. Or is it also, you know, some exposure giving people the arena to realize? Because that's what happened to me. I'm obviously a late bloomer, but what happened is I grew up in a very liberal area; Lesbian and gay was all over, PFLAG was all over the campus, but I don't remember anybody talking about transgender people. I don't think I'd even heard that term until I was at least in my twenties, and it was... joining a community where I saw people talking about it and how it felt, and how it works, that made me realize that that's me. So possibly having friends who go through the experience of 'Oh, I, you know I fit with this group, I fit with this thing that is not necessarily the cultural norm,' the friends see that and go 'wait a minute, that makes sense to me too.'
Um, I don't know if that's the case but it would make a lot of sense, so just, just a thought. A thought without an answer. (Cradles cat) 
Um, anyways, we've got xer settling in with us. I'm hoping sooner or later I will get xer and my wife in on videos, but I'm also a little bit camera nervous every time so I do typically tend to do these when I'm kind of by myself just so that housemates aren't hearing me talking to myself in another room. It makes you a little self-conscious. Maybe one of these I'll get over that -One of these *days* I'll get over that. Maybe not.
(To cat, who is squirming) Excuse you. Froggy is not camera shy, clearly. (Rubs cat's head and shoves her gently off lap.)
So I've got a short song to sing today- (Wipes face & nose) Cat hair. I can't imagine where *that* came from. My whole life is full of pet hair. That's what I get for working at a vet. Anyways. I had another song in mind, but... it's a little more melancholy and it would sound really better with guitar. I have, you know, my list of -I don't want to say resolutions, but things that I'd like to do this year, and one of these is to get back into trying to learn the guitar. I *have* one. I need to restring it again because I thought I could play it left-handed and *apparently* I can't. I need to play guitar right-handed, which is... weird because I'm a left-handed person, very dominantly so. But if I can kick myself into working and practicing on the guitar then maybe eventually I can use that on these videos. I would like to wait until I'm not terrible at it. For your sake as much as for mine. But in the meantime you get another Fraggle Rock song because they're easy to learn and... goddamn the music from that show was awesome, and nostalgia. (Thumbs up) So, here with my settling voice. Gradually.

(Acapella Singing)

Every day the world begins again

Sunny skies or rain

Come and follow me

Every sunrise shows me more and more

So much to explore

Come and follow me

Every morning every day

Every evening calling me away

While the sun goes 'round

I'll still be found

Following the sound

Something's calling me

When the world goes drifting back to bed

Memories in my head

Wonders follow me

Every morning every day

Every evening calling me away

Every morning every day

Every evening calling me away 

I... think that's all I've got to say today? Oh! I did start a blog, which I'll link in the description, so that I can maybe get some of these thoughts and feelings about being trans written. Sometimes that's a lot easier than sitting down and filming, that's a little bit of a longer commitment. Sorry it's a shorter video today, but... (helpless hand gesture). I'll try! No promises. 

'Til next time.

On Shaving

The tools of a transman shave

My boss and most of my coworkers are women, but there's a guy I work with, and he's a very tall man older than me, with a deep voice. He's been in the military, and he knows how to sound authoritative, and what I'm getting at here is that he is the epitome of a lot of very masculine qualities. More than that, he's a good man. He only works part time because he's mostly been a stay at home dad, to a kid that I gather was unexpected and late in life, and his wife works full time. I've always been a little intimidated by him, because some part of my brain tells me I will never be able to match him for masculine qualities, and of all the people at work he was the only one that I was a little worried about explaining the transgender thing to.
The thing is, that discussion never happened. We were working schedules where we didn't see each other for a while, and I told the boss and other people, and somewhere along the way the memo got to him. The next thing I knew, he was giving me life tips on how to be a proper man.
For my Christmas gift, he gave me a zippo lighter, and instructed me on how to take it apart, replace the flint, what brand lighter fluid to use, all the basics. He said no man should be without a lighter, which is very boy scout of him, and I've carried it ever since. Possibly he would have gotten me a pocketknife but he already knew I've carried a swiss army knife for decades. He also apologized that he didn't get the chance but had meant to get it engraved with my name and the year I became a man, in honor of all I went through to become one. Because I know his expectations of masculinity, I did not tear up in front of him, but those words mean a hell of a lot to hear.

I have gone through a lot, to become a man in the eyes of the world. A lot of paperwork, a lot of doctors, a lot of sticking a needle into my own leg once a week, and more of all the above still ahead.
The thing that got me to thinking about shaving was he and I were talking about it the other day, and he said that it loses it's charm real fast. He said that it's all new to me and I'll be a lot less enamored of shaving after I've had to do it every day for a few decades.
Today, as I was shaving, I thought about that and wondered whether or not that's true for me. Shaving is such a rite of passage, and one that I yearned for so deeply for so long. I remember watching my dad shave, when I was younger, and marveling over the idea that it was something he did routinely even though he had a beard. I was sorry, in a way I didn't understand then, that it was something that I was told I would never do. My father never stood with me and taught me how to shave myself, and neither did my father in law. I learned how to shave from some youtube videos, a vague and distant memory of shaving my legs, and the nervous thought of 'how hard could it be?' and I've done okay. Not great, but okay, with only a couple of tiny nicks when the razor had been used a few too many times. I have to shave my neck beard about every three days now, which tells me I'm still not where a cisgender man of my age would be, and a far cry from my own father, who resembles Santa Claus. My beard, such as it is, has been growing for close to a year now. I got a set of clippers to keep it trimmed close, but I stopped shaving it off over my honeymoon and haven't since, so my beard is the same age as my marriage. Married men, in the Celtic tradition, do grow beards. At this point I'm afraid to take it off, since I get 'Sir' everywhere I go with it. I'm attached to the idea of growing my own jawline, too, since naturally I don't really have one.
I like my beard, but I also still very much like the act of shaving, and that it's only my neck is fine. There's the scents; the soap and the aftershave, and my wife got me a silver shaving set that makes it feel properly ceremonial. The truth is that I use cheap Bic disposable safety razors, but the one that came with the set looked more photogenic and it's the same design.
There's also the face that looks back in the mirror at me, with a full scruff around the jaw (I wish the hair on my chin would fill in). It's a man's face, and it's finally me.

Maybe this is past due, or maybe this is another of many projects that I'll prove to be very erratic in updating.
My name is Rey, legally and officially, but it hasn't always been. I'm a late bloomer on a long and convoluted path, and being transgender is only one piece of who I am. These days it's a piece that's pretty big in my focus, though, in part because of where I am on that journey right now, and partly because shortly after I started to figure it all out for myself trans people suddenly became a hot political topic. That makes it a little hard to ignore.

I'm planning to make transcriptions of my FtM journey videos here, so there will be backdated earlier entries, but this one here is the first actual entry marking the start of this blog. Sometimes it's easier to put things in text on a page than to say them out loud to a camera. So here we go, comment, ask questions, nothing is off limits unless you're flat out trolling.

The basics are that I am less than a year away from turning forty, and I've been on testosterone for roughly a year and a half. I'm in a successful long term relationship with a ciswoman who is pansexual, and we've been together for over seventeen years but married not quite one year yet. I'm white, from a lower middle class American background, but I'm not particularly proud of any of that. I've learned and grown a lot, in my life. I know that I have a lot more learning and growing to do. I've never had surgery in my life, unless you count getting my wisdom teeth out. I am looking forward to future surgery with both longing and a lot of worry. I worry how to pay for it. I worry about the sheer logistics of going under anesthesia and being cut open. I worry about the health system finding a way to take surgery options away before I can find the means to get it.

I live my life as openly trans, because I can, and not everybody else has that option.

This blog is about where I am, where I've been, and where I'm going.
Here's my journey.

The face in the mirror tonight is an older man’s face. Not old, but rapidly approaching middle age. Lines on my forehead showed up a few months ago, and I’m at about 50/50 for grey hair vs brown, now. Also while thinking about all this, I cut myself shaving, because that’s something I’m still relatively new at. I was never a young man, I skipped straight over that stage and into this.

When I was a young woman, if that’s what we’re going to call it, I mostly paid attention to the lessons of older men. There were some awkward attempts at learning about make-up and clothes, at feminine things, but I approached them with confusion and uncertainty. What I focused on and learned swiftly were which hand to shake with and why, and how to talk confidently about cars and other habits that I deemed manly, or at least knowledge a gentleman should have. I could not have explained why. By high school I carried a pocket watch and a handkerchief, because one should. Once I graduated, a pocket knife was added to the collection. I was an old man, when I was a girl.

Pre-T Vlog Transcript Oct 17, 2016

Original video is here

My name is Rey, I'm 37 about to turn 38, I've actually had one shot of T but there's really no changes yet so this is effectively a pre-T video. I just wanted to kind of track the changes in my voice. What I have now is just thanks to practice and naturally I have a deeper voice.
Slightly nervous recording. Don't know why.
(Nervous laugh and cough, then launches into singing.)

(Acapella singing)
The week before Easter on a morn bright and clear,
Oh the sun it was shining, and clean blew the air,
I went to the forest to gather wild flowers
But the forest would yield me no roses.

The roses are red and the leaves they are green,
All the bushes and briars are a joy to be seen,
And the small birds are singing and changing their notes
Down among the wild beasts in the forest.

The first time I saw my love, she was dressed all in white,
Made my eyes run and water, fair dazzled my sight.
But now she has left me and shown me false play,
For she's gone to be wed to another.

The last time I saw my love she did in the church stand,
With a ring on her finger, and a glove in her hand,
And I thought to myself that I should have been that man,
But she's left me and gone with some other.

The parson that married them, aloud he did cry
All those that forbid it, I would have you stand nigh,
And I thought to myself I've a good reason why
But I had not the heart to forbid it.

Oh dig me my grave, dig it long wide and deep,
And cover it over with flowers so sweet,
and I lay myself down for to take a long sleep,
For that's the best way to forget her.

I really liked this song when I first heard it. I was introduced to it by Wylde Nept, a friend of ours took us to see that band up in Chicago. I like the song, it's a good Irish ballad, on the other hand he kind of sounds like in modern times the guy who'd be wearing a fedora and complaining that she's not appreciative enough because he held the door for her. So times change? Or maybe they don't.

My voice is a little rough from allergies, and also this is first thing in the morning. I had a couple goes at making the video beforehand and messed up the lyrics. I guess I'll be giving myself my second shot, this afternoon actually, and record another video in a few weeks or a month and see how my voice has changed. Wish me luck!